The Day I Hated God

It was a decade ago, today, that I looked up at the ceiling as the nurse wheeled me into the prep room, and the anesthesiologist was waiting

How was I here? I was twenty-eight years old, with a fifteen month old baby, and Kieren and I had only been married for eighteen months. Yet, I was about to have an operation that would change our lives forever

I was so angry at God. In fact that was the day that I felt hatred towards him, because my life had only just begun, and now, now I felt cheated. This operation was about to take everything from me (that I thought mattered) because there was no longer a possibility of feeling that bond between a growing life within and myself

A close friend said (after surgery) ”sometimes we don’t get to know the reason ’why’, but it’s trusting that in God’s protection, and love, He deemed this path necessary.” Those words sank into my heart, and I broke down as they touched my soul, but still, all I could ask was, ”why?”

Honestly, I wish that I could tell you that God met me right where I was, and I was restored, but I felt numb towards God for many years afterwards. I even stopped going to church for a while as I battled from my past, my present, and my future

Friends, I moved forward when I realised that God is God, and I am not. It seems silly now, but at the time I wanted answers to questions that were irrelevant. I had endured so much up until that point, and God had blessed me with an incredible husband, and a beautiful daughter

Yet, it is human nature always to want more, and I have learnt that I should have thanked God for protecting me, rather than hating Him for not getting what I wanted

Could God have restored my broken body – absolutely, but He didn’t, and in His infinite wisdom I have learnt to trust that He knows why, and honestly, that now, is all that matters. I was blessed with one incredible little girl, and I am now so thankful – even though this day hurts every year, it’s just a reminder of how good God truly is

No matter what life throws at us, we need to remember that God, as a Father, wants nothing but the best for us

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

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Rebecca Brand

𝗝𝗲𝘀𝘂𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 • 𝗪𝗶𝗳𝗲 • 𝗠𝘂𝗺 • 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗽𝗵𝗲𝘁 • 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿 • 𝗧𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗿 • 𝗔𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿

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