I was raised not to show ”weakness,” and so, I grew up thinking that it was me against the world.
I developed a ”thick skin”, and wore an invisible ”mask” so that, no matter what came my way, and no matter how much my circumstances were hurting me – I wanted the world to think I was a warrior. Yet, at night, alone, I would cry myself to sleep, fearful of what lay ahead, and tired of the constant pain. I felt drained…tired of the sunrise and sunset.
Fast forward to when I met God, and my mind was blown to the possibility of the Creator of the universe wanting a relationship with me, but also I instantly went into performance mode. I would rehearse my prayers out loud (before I spoke them to God) and I would even think that this new relationship was based on me ticking off some Child-of-God-checklist. Therefore, I spent years thinking that, again, I wasn’t good enough; only now, I assumed I was going to hell because I kept ”failing.”
Imagine a house – I had created the perfect lounge for God to come and sit with me, but He was never allowed past the dining room because I could no longer hide the mess of the kitchen, the bathrooms, or the bedrooms. Nope, He was forbidden. I thought that God couldn’t see my mess if I only just kept my lounge tidy and my mask on.
It took me years to let God into my life. Before then, I kept Him at a distance because I assumed that from afar, He wouldn’t see the real me. God wouldn’t know my most inner thoughts, and so, He couldn’t see the failure I indeed was.
I didn’t know that God was omnipresent or omniscient because Christianity was new to me. I didn’t know that God loved me without conditions, without merit, or competition. I struggled that it was no longer, you against I to fight for affection – it’s you and I, equally loved, cherished, and restored, by God.
Friends, you may have spent a lifetime – so far – striving for God’s affection. You may think that you are all alone. You may think that you will never be enough. Or that you can only let Him into the entrance way…
I’m here to tell you that when I tore down the lies I had believed about God, it allowed Him to heal me from the inside out. But from this, I realised that when I voluntarily let God into my circumstances – things changed, miracles happened, peace came, and joy entered my heart, because in a world of impossibility, lies God, and He literally died so that you could find Him once more. There is nothing, within His will, that He won’t do for you
”I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.” Job 42:2