When you cannot understand

Today, marks the 8th anniversary of myself having a total hysterectomy. I was 28 years old and unsure of what was next.

Confused…angry…devastated that this was a full-stop in being able to carry another child. I was angry.

Surely, if I had carried one baby, that meant I should be able to carry another? Yet, to my unspoken heartache, I lay there about to be put under anaesthesia, asking why?

Life has no guarantees other than, uncertainty.

Being honest – it took me along time after the surgery to talk to God again. I had put walls up around my heart – trying hard to hold them together but in the end the burden was too hard.

I let go. I realised there are some things that we will never know. But, I do know that God gave us a miracle, with Sarai.

It doesn’t change the wondering. I still have “a look” that Kieren knows as, me longing. That feeling I get when I hear of a new pregnancy or hold a Friend’s newborn baby for the first time. But, God knows why and when we let go of pain, the “why” gets easier and we can begin to trust God again.

He is with us during life’s pain and even the opportunities we face, yet for me, it’s knowing that with faith, God will see me to the other side of all the things, because I trust in Him and He’s never failed me yet.

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